Having a feminist wedding doesn’t mean eschewing all tradition, ditching the big white dress or burning your garter. (Unless you want to of course!). Most couples want to reflect their personality in their wedding day, and if your everyday life, and your relationship with your partner, is rooted in equality, it makes sense that your wedding reflects that, right?

A feminist wedding is about making deliberate choices because they mean something to you, and having a celebration that feels authentic to you and your other half.

So if that means walking down the aisle with your dad, wearing the white dress, tossing the bouquet and taking your partner’s name – that’s all good. And if it also means a bride or bridesmaid making a wedding speech, having a mixed hen and stag party, or encouraging your flower girl or page boy to wear their beloved Wonder Woman costume, that’s all cool too. This is a judgement free zone!

Oh and make sure you listen to our podcast episode where we dive into this very topic!

Swapping Wedding Traditions

You might not realise it, but so much of wedding tradition is tied up in historical views of purity, reproduction, superstition and the patriarchy. So we’ve put together a guide to some of the most popular wedding ‘rules’ and traditions in our part of the world, the original meaning behind them and some alternatives for each. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have these feature in your day, it’s just about picking what you want, and ditching what you don’t!

As real bride Blathnaid told us, “We were keen to include only the traditional elements that we felt were important. So for example, it was extremely precious to me that my father walked me down the aisle, but it wasn’t at all important to me to have a wedding ring.” Props to Blathnaid! (Though we’re up for all the gold rings we can get!)

A lot of these choices will apply more to either embracing or eschewing the gender normative traditions of heterosexual weddings, rather than for LGBTQ+ couples but hopefully there will be some nuggets in here for all!

1. You Can’t See The Bride Before the Wedding

This is more of a superstition than a tradition, but many couples sleep separately the night before the wedding, and go to great lengths not to see each other before the ceremony. For some couples it adds to the excitement and the anticipation, but for others it seems silly not to wake up together on your most exciting day.

Alternatives to Not Seeing Each Other Before the Wedding: 

• You can get ready together.
• You can wake up together, but get ready separately.
• You can wake up and get ready separately, and do a first look photo before the ceremony to settle your nerves or have a quiet moment.

2. Having Your Dad Give You Away

Your father ‘giving you away’ on your wedding day comes from the historical idea that you went from your father’s ownership to your husband’s on your wedding day. Obviously no one sees it like that anymore, and it’s now a symbol of your dad giving his blessing or supporting you as you take steps towards a brand new chapter of your life.

Many brides can’t imagine walking down the aisle without their dad, but for others, being passed from one man’s guardianship to another’s doesn’t quite feel right. If that’s you (and you’re lucky enough to still have your dad with you), have a chat with him, and gauge whether or not it’s important to him to do it, if it really is, decide if there’s a compromise! You can always have a special father-daughter first dance later on. We even have a whole playlist of possible father-daughter songs for you to choose from.

Alternatives to having your dad give you away:

• Have both parents walk you down the aisle.
• Have your mum walk you instead.
• Have your best friend walk with you.
• Walk on your own.
• Walk with your other half.
• Have them meet you half way.
• Ask your dad to walk you from the top, but take the last half of the aisle yourself.
• Take the journey to your ceremony with your dad, but make your entrance on your own.

3. The Big White Dress

You can wear whatever the heck you want to on your wedding day! A white dress, a red jumpsuit, long sleeves or a plunging neckline, sky high heels or some bad ass biker boots, for us, there are zero rules. But seeing as we’re all about being informed, we figured we’d talk you through some symbolism behind traditional wedding attire…

The White Dress: Not actually about purity at all, a white wedding dress was popularised by Queen Victoria in 1840 as both a romantic gesture and for economic reasons. She was keen to support the British lace industry, but on a personal level she wanted to make her vows as Albert’s future wife, and not in her role as the monarch. For these reasons, she chose to wear a dress of white satin and lace, instead of the red velvet robe of state. This romantic gesture, and the notion of the Queen as an adoring and innocent bride was covered by the society papers in great detail, captured the public’s imagination, and set a trend we still see today.

The Veil: Veils were worn by brides in ancient Rome to hide a bride from evil spirits.

The Garter: A garter was traditionally ‘tossed’ as proof that a couple had consummated their marriage. A ‘modern’ garter toss, involves a groom sticking his head up the bride’s skirt and pulling off her garter with his teeth. This is one tradition we’re happy to see the back of, to be honest!

4. The Bridal Party

Ever wondered why we have bridesmaids at all? And why they all dress alike? In the Middle Ages, the purpose of bridesmaids was to all dress in white and surround the bride to fool spirits into thinking they were her. That way she wouldn’t be cursed on her wedding day. So when your mates are arguing about what dress to get, or having to do wedding admin, you can let them know, it could be worse!

Alternatives to the traditional bridal party:

• Shake up your bridal party, have a ‘Man of Honour’ or a ‘Best Lady’ if you want and don’t feel restricted into just choosing your pals or siblings who are the same gender.
• Encourage your bridal party to wear something they feel comfortable in.
• Ditch the bridal party altogether and have friends and family participate in other ways.
• Have a mixed henstag – who says you should only say goodbye to your singlehood with friends of the same gender!

5. The Vows

Not many people vow to honour and obey any more, but depending on your celebrant and where you’re getting married, your vows or ceremony may include wording about obedience or reproduction that you’re not too comfortable with. Just make sure you read through the full ceremony wording before the big day so you’re happy with how everything is phrased!

6. Tossing The Bouquet

Apparently women used to rip pieces off a bride’s dress to get a bit of her good luck, so brides took to tossing their bouquet so they could escape the crowd. Nowadays brides toss it to their unmarried friends with the idea that the lucky lady who catches it will be next get wed. When you think about it, singling out your solo friends and making them stand in the middle of the room to catch your used blooms seems mean-spirited, but for many brides, and guests, it’s just a bit of fun.

Alternative to tossing the bouquet:

• What about a ladies-only dance? The Macarena? Copacabana?
• Ask your photographer to take a picture of you with all your closest pals
• Read our list of Alternative Bouquet Toss Ideas here

7. The Wedding Cake

Wedding cakes have lots of symbolism attached to them, from promising prosperity to flaunting your wealth. Originally a bride cut the cake alone and passed it to her guests, because eating wedding cake from the bride would give you luck in fertility. Similarly, a fruit cake was initially thought to be a symbol of fertility, and the colour white, linked to the purity of the bride. Now we’re never going to say no to a piece of wedding cake (feminism or no feminism!), but there are some ways you can shake things up…

Alternatives to a white fruit wedding cake: 

• Opt for a wedding cake with flavours and a colour that tie in with your wedding.
• Go for a table of treats instead of a single traditional cake.
• Forgo the formality of cutting the cake and simply ask your venue to serve it to your guests.

8. Making Speeches

Customarily in a wedding, women are seen and not heard. Lots of brides wear the big dress, spend hours getting their hair and make-up done, and put so much work into making the day beautiful, but once the vows are over, it tends to be the men who get to hold the mic. The groom, the best man, the father of the bride, all get to make speeches, but thankfully it’s becoming more and more common for a bride or her bridesmaids to have their moment with the microphone too!

Alternatives to traditional speeches:

• Make a speech yourself and encourage all the ladies in your bridal party, including the mums to make one too.
• Have open mic speeches, so anyone compelled can say a few words.
• Do a thank you speech together with your other half.
• Read our post on Ways to Shake Up Your Wedding Speeches.

9. The Invitations

Wedding invitation wording is steeped in etiquette and formality (we’ve got a whole post on it here) but there are some ways you can inject a little equality into your wedding invitations.

Alternatives to wedding invitation wording: 

• Avoid Mr & Mrs John Smith, Mr & Mrs Smith already implies the couple are married, the man doesn’t need his name in there too!
• Avoid using Mrs altogether – there’s no equivalent for men that shows their marital status.
• Unless your parents are paying for the wedding, the invitation doesn’t need to be phrased as if they’re inviting the guests on your behalf.

10. His & Hers Details

Cigars for the gents, candles for the ladies. Whiskey sours for the guys, strawberry daiquiris for the girls. We’ve seen lots of versions of ‘His and Her’ details at weddings, and while we’re all for making a wedding more personalised, attaching gender where it’s not required can feel dated.

Alternative to his & hers details: 

• For cocktails, both of you can choose a signature drink and let your guests take their pick.
• For favours, either go with all the same, or have a favour table where guests can choose which one they’d like themselves!

11. Taking Your Partner’s Name

This is perhaps one of the most polarising traditions on the list. To some people taking their partner’s name is one of the most exciting parts of being married, it means you’re officially family. To others, it’s seen as relinquishing a part of who you are, and becoming your partner’s property. Whatever you decide, do it for your own reasons and try not to give in to the opinions of your friends and family either way.

Alternatives to taking your partner’s name after you marry:

• Take it with your own name and double barrel it.
• Both of you take both names and make it double barrelled.
• Choose a new family name between you and have your name changed by deed poll.
• Go by Ms, whether you take your other half’s name or not, so your marital status isn’t implied before you’ve even met someone!
• Read our post on How to Decide Whether to Change Your Name After Marriage

12. Wedding Signage

For some reason, the idea that a bride has duped her groom into marriage often turns up in wedding signage and accessories, and this is one tired stereotype that we can all do without! Those kiddie signs that say, ‘Last Chance to Run’ or the classic cake topper featuring a literal ball and chain, they all imply that the groom is a fun-loving cool guy, and the bride is a tiresome nag. If you believe, as many women do, that these kind of gags are harmless, then feel free to include them, but if you’re not a fan, there are literally thousands of alternatives. In fact we have a whole post on Wedding Cake Topper Ideas here.

Check out our handy list of one-liners for signage, and click here to see more gorgeous (ungendered!) décor ideas.

13. Wedding Planning

It’s not uncommon in heterosexual relationships for women do most, if not all, of the labour associated with wedding planning – finding the venue, researching and dealing with suppliers, etc. – while the man chips in for the fun stuff like cake tastings! Obviously, this isn’t fair, and generally only leads to frustration so it’s important to strive for an equal role in wedding planning.

Another issue that we often hear about occurs when couples split the to-do list equally, but friends, family members and colleagues still assume that one of them is doing all the work. Don’t be afraid to let these people know that you’re both taking an active role in wedding planning, and if the stereotypes still persist, it’s okay to call people out and let them know that they’re upsetting you.

Planning your wedding is a magical time, so you shouldn’t spend it rolling your eyes and biting your tongue.

Lastly…

Try not to judge others for their choices, and try not to feel judged for yours. It’s all about you doing what’s right for you, and you never know the reasoning behind someone else’s choices. Bottom line, if something doesn’t feel authentic, whether it’s because of your feminist leanings, or simply because you’re not into it, scrap it altogether or find an alternative.

Check out our great episode of The One Fab Day Wedding Podcast: How to Have a Feminist Wedding (And Still Wear White!)